Scared

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Hi Guys
My name is Emmylee and. ….

I’m a Scaredy Cat.
And a hypochondriac.
And a memory hoarder.
And an anxious mess.

So yeah, now that I have admitted it, it’s real. I literally have no idea how to fix this!
But before you go on about “just do it”
Let me explain first..

First, you should know, I have General Anxiety Disorder. Well, that’s what I am told. Personally I think, I just don’t like to take chances. I don’t like fast, high, deep or anything relatively uncontrolled. I don’t like motorcycles ATV’s dirt bikes Jet Ski’s or skateboards. I don’t like to wear bright colors patterns or prints. I don’t like extravagant or out of the ordinary hairstyles, nail designs, or jewelry. I like colorful makeup…In pictures. I don’t like to throw away anything that reminds me of a time/place/person. I don’t like to try new things (except food, Thanks Mom!). I don’t like to talk about my opinions on current events.  I don’t like to explain my political positions. I don’t like ANYTHING that could be considered bold, out-spoken, bitchy, or racy.

I used to think this was such a great thing. I mean… I’m SAFE right?  Who doesn’t love safe?  I could literally live on a farm in the woods near a river forever, and be blissfully at peace. And BORING AS HECK. But I am so OK with that!
I have a crippling fear of danger and adrenaline. No I mean I really don’t like blood pumping feeling you get when you feel when you lose control. I know that it’s supposed to be one of the best feelings in life but I have yet to actually want to do something again after that feeling. I don’t even like to get angry because of that feeling. I avoid arguments at all costs. I am scared. I’m scared to be seen as mean or selfish or extravagant or dramatic….or sensitive or silly or stupid or weak or greedy or wasteful or vain or…. I am afraid to be afraid. I’m afraid that others will know I am afraid. I am afraid to be SEEN.

I want nothing more than to learn African dance. To sing on stage and let myself go in a song. To let my hair out, and wrap my arms around my big studly husband on a motorcycle. To swim with dolphins or even whales. To buy a new outfit and be excited to wear it or go hiking, even if I haven’t lost enough weight.  But it is not always so simple and easy for someone like me. I see the dangers of over-indulging. I see the danger in vanity. In pride, gluttony, anger, and adventurism, and bravery, and.. Well I see the danger in EVERYTHING.

We are not all perfect. I have a  regular obsession with perfectionism, which I freely admit. I don’t post more often because I am always waiting for my writing to be “perfect”. Then when I DO post, I over analyze each post until I have it memorized. My point is, no one is perfect. Anxiety just so happens to be my biggest stumbling blog to at least semi-perfection. It’s not that I don’t WANT to do fun things! I want to go to the gun range with my husband, and fully enjoy the moment. I want to go sky-diving, and marvel at the wind rushing around me. I want to get on a jet ski, and feel myself skimming over the waves. I want to ride a motorcycle, or a helicopter, or ANYTHING and feel LIMITLESS. It’s just that I want to be safe more than I want any of those things. I want to have that comfortable, foot on the ground, warm-fuzzy-cinnamon roll on Sunday morning- cuddles after a rain shower- safety ALL THE TIME.

But how can I live a full and happy life, if I am scared?

God.

But not just “go to church, read the Bible”. If I finally learn to trust in God, and allow him to live in me, I can stop being afraid. To trust God is to experience him and feel his power, to feel the beauty of his creation. To trust God is to trust YOU. It is his GIFT to us. We don’t “deserve” it, but he WANTS us to enjoy it. For all the mistakes we make on a regular basis, we are still worthy of everything around us.
In the Bible, he says he wants us to live full and happy lives.

Ecclesiastes 3:13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labor, it is the gift of God.

He is not telling us to over-indulge, or be gluttonous, but to enjoy. If we work hard, ENJOY. You know, eat drink and be merry! The more I think about it, the more it makes perfect sense. WHY would we as humans be gifted with such an amazing place to live, only to be too chicken to see it all? WHY would we possess such amazing talents from singing, drawing, playing instruments, fashion, dance, and everything in between if he didn’t want us to enjoy it all? I sometimes feel as though not even considering these things are slap in the face to God. He equipped us to perfection, yet in our human weakness we cannot fully trust that he will protect us. But HE WILL.

God never promised us an easy journey. But he always promises us a safe harbor. He doesn’t ever say that trusting him will be easy, but he does say it will be rewarding.

I hope that admitting I am a huge scaredy cat will help me be more conscious about battling my anxiety. I just for once want to spend $50 on a pretty dress without thinking about how stupid it is to spend that much on something I will only wear once. I pray that with God, I can trust that I can have that safety ALL THE TIME. Even while I’m hang gliding. I pray that he will give me the STRENGTH to experience the beauty our world has to offer without excuses. Because in the end, he wants us to love everything as much as he does. From pretty dresses to snorkeling. From playing in the rain, to parasailing.

Dear Lord,

I pray that I am able to trust you. I pray that I am able to trust the reward of living with God in me, as opposed to living as a hostage in my own mind. 

Amen

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